Love Me or Hate Me,

Super Massive Black Hole.

2010-05-05T22:07:00.002+08:00

YES YES YES I KNOW I HAVE TO UPDATE MY BLOG =.=

So here I am, once again. :) Was I missed? Doubt so :P

Life has been.. Shit. Mid Year Exams -ohmygod- are approaching, so I suppose I will be dead soon.
Science, oh dear SCIENCE why do you have to be so difficult now? Maths is a killer as usual, and Literature.. well I only bought the text recently. Gambarrimsu :)

So much has happened since the last time I updated. SO MUCH. And if you're close to me, I'm guessing you'll know.

Usually, when I post I'm either overly hyper, or sad. This time though, I'm rather angry. Pissed.
Someone deserves to be taopoked by Afiqah. Okay, maybe we'll pull out his testicles too and stick it in his mouth so he can choke on it. It isn't easy to forget someone, but you shouldn't reserve space in your heart for someone who doesn't make the effort to stay. Someone who insults you just for the sake of insulting you, and wonders why you get offended. Someone who's never satisfied. Full of complaints. Comparisons. Criticisms. You. Don't deserve a glance from me. No matter how much you try to paint me black, you're still the black hole. The bigger asshole. I better stop before I rant anymore.

Anyway, meet my new best friend HANISAH :D *skips in arm in arm with Hanisah* We've got so much in common. Our hair, our school. And. Stuff. Talk soon babe :D

People, better keep reminding me to update this thing. If not it'll be like 270108549197391 years till I get around to it.

Peace and Love.

XOXO.

UHOH.

2010-03-30T21:50:00.003+08:00

DEAD BLOG. LIVE. PLEASE.

Last night, I couldn't sleep at all. My mind was set on overdrive, the clock was laughing in my face.
I notice that almost every night, I'm so full of thoughts. And lyrics. It's like I'm blogging in my head, but when I finally sit down in front of this dang laptop.. Words don't come out. :x. (see I'm getting stuck now).
I doubt people even bother to read by blog anymore. But thanks anyway, to those few people who are bored enough to stop by this pathetic blog of mine :)

Found out recently that my dear friend is attached to Hanisah of 2N2. I had suspected this, but he just confirmed with me. :) Hope they last long.
Same goes to my dearest Darling STELLA who is fresh out of the "All The Single Ladies" title. :P I am so so happy for this dear girl.

Oops, hope I didn't let out any names I shouldn't have. Oh well.

Well that's all for now,

XOXO.

I'm Scared.

2010-02-22T21:37:00.005+08:00

"I've been here before a few times, and I'm quite aware we're dying." - Always by Blink 182

I wonder if hurt is a recurring thing. Maybe so.
I am so scared. Of everything. I think it's come to a point that I can't cope anymore.

Marriage is a promise. For God's sake, A PROMISE. A commitment. A relationship. Guys, remember this before you say your Goddamned vows of eternal love or whatever. Think about it before you say those words. Before you sign that certificate, even though it's a mere piece of paper, think about what it symbolizes.

Miss Nuki comes back on Wednesday after what seems like, FOREVER. And I'm scared. I'm scared because, I have no idea what I'm doing. Let's face it, I can't dance. Yet. I will get better. I will learn how to move. I will pick up this talent, this skill, that seems so hard for me. I promised Miss Nuki this. I promised myself this.

It's hard to trust. You. You broke my trust. You broke her trust. What kind of person are you? WHAT. "I couldn't care less cause I hate that bitch anyway. Call her. Go ahead. I couldn't care less."

Everything is piling up. How the hell do you do DnT. I have DnT homework overdue since weeks ago. I don't get it. No, it's not that my parents aren't strict enough. It's not that I don't care, or I don't make an effort. I'm just unable. Argh. Blame it on whatever you want Billie. You suck.

I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS. I LIED. I LOVE YOU.

XOXO.

PS: I hate my blogskin.

Lemonade.

2010-02-17T22:08:00.004+08:00

"So hurting here is where I belong, dreaming a song.
Blood on my hands to stay strong.
The flowers in the graveyard all are gone, I don't belong.
There is no right to heal the wrong.
Soup's on hot it's feeling like do or die.
Can't throw up don't think I even want to try." -Lemon by Katy Rose.

BILLIE IS BACK.

I realized that the last time I updated my blog.. was in January. Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year already passed and I'm still so far behind? Well you see, I can't blog unless I have the "blogging mood". Where the words come free flowing and I don't have to think much about what it is I am writing.
I think from reading my previous blog posts, one might think that I'm emotional, sad and depressed. The ANGSTY teenager.

For the Chinese New Year holidays, I stayed at home rather than taking a trip to Malaysia as I intended to spend some time with friends. Instead, I rotted at home for the most part, listening to Lynneh go on and on about how much she bought at Cotton On and New Look and Forever 21. "OhmygodtheyhadasaleandIbought2skirtsforonly15dollars!" and "Mycheongsamisbeadedandgorgeous!" Who ever uses words like GORGEOUS now anyway? Lynneh Lynnyly Lynn. Don't worry babe, I still love you.

The bathroom light is flickering. I don't remember turning it on. Can you believe Miss Purana corrected me for saying bathroom instead of toilet?

Afiqah and Nhita helped me with my maths today. I really needed it. I can't get anything out of Mr. Ong's lessons, and my maths sucks basketballs to begin with. Sad life, I know. But I'm glad I managed to understand direct proportions. Afiqah and Nhita were really patient with me, though I was frequently getting distracted by stuff. Thanks both of you, love you guys.

Whoa that post was boring, but it was good enough just for an update :D More later.

XOXO.

PS. Fat corn crazy Afiqah XianShu Priscilla .

If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall

2010-01-29T20:34:00.011+08:00

My eyes are in pain from all the tears. My throat is in pain from all the yelling.
I feel like I'm pmsing non stop. Everything will be alright. But one little comment made by anyone can set me off. Either into sadness or anger. Glen, Afiqah, Stella, Rahul, Isaiah, Mommy, I'm sorry. You all must think I'm some psycho. God, I don't want this. I am the cause of most of my stress. I don't even know what's happening to me.
My problems are so trivial compared to others. I wont write it here though. People are dying from cancer out there. People come from broken families. People are born into brothels. People come from abusive families. People are orphans.
During our first Literature lesson some weeks ago, Mr. Fadly asked the class who they'd want to be if they could live as anyone for a day. I think I'd want to live as someone who is living in a war zone. Or someone who is constantly beaten by her husband. I want to know what they feel, just for a day. So that I can learn to appreciate my life more.

Well that's all for now. Don't worry people I ain't "emo" :D

Love ya all.

How I miss you.

XOXO.

He loves you. I love you. We don't hate you, babe. I'm sorry. Can't you see?

Ignorance is your new best friend.

2010-01-23T22:03:00.003+08:00

I'm still really amazed at the ignorance of some Americans. I was talking to my cousin's friend today on facebook . Here's the convo.

Caleb: are u the one who lives in california or the one who lives in like japan?
Billie: I'm the one who used to live in Japan but now lives in Singapore. You do know where Singapore is on the map right?
Caleb: yea lol its in europe.
Billie: NO. Singapore is in ASIA.
Caleb: lol isnt asia and china like the same place
Billie: China is IN Asia. Anyway I'm not your Geography teacher.
Caleb: yea lol.

WUUTHAFACK. And he's like the son of this Pastor. Educate your children for God's sake.

XOXO

Love.

2010-01-22T22:39:00.003+08:00

Time to update. Happy New Year. Move On is a nice song. Thank God It's Friday.

It's coming to the end of January already. 2010. Where did all that time go? All that time wasted. Stop wasting time people. Life is precious and short.

Someone told me that, what I lack isn't self confidence or self esteem. What I lack is SELF LOVE. I don't love myself. Do I? I ro know. Hard to say. I think I have serious issues sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should go for counseling. And why am I writing THIS on my blog? I don't know. Maybe to keep it staying alive. Somehow. Is it attention seeking? Maybe. Everyone one seeks attention. Somehow or other. We are all attention seekers. I can't use my pencil case anymore. You see, I don't get the point of self harm. I suppose for some people it makes them feel like they're "in control" . Makes them feel better. To each his own.
My poor wittle pencil case was a birthday present. For my 13th birthday 2 years ago. And I destroyed it completely. The first time, I was pissed off at my dad. I can't remember what he did. Gosh, how immature of me. The second time, I was sad about.. something. It was during the December holidays. I suppose I missed people. My pencil case got pretty shredded but it wasn't too bad. Still useable. And today, I just totally destroyed it. Am I psychotic? Perhaps. Too bad. Probably another "teen angst" thing I frequently get classified into. It really pushes my buttons when adults say that.
"She's just disagreeing because she's a teenager."
"Why are you so surprised she bought that shirt? It looks so teenage. "
Stereotypes. Bleagh. Well that's me. A typical "angsty" teen. Billie the Disturbed. I am disturbed. I dreamt of asking some lobsters at a kampong house for directions and then the lobsters started having sex and there was a porcupine cat dog animal running at my feet and I was scared.
Yes, I am Billie the Disturbed. Can you still love me for that. Self love. I can't find you.

"The name she gave was Caroline. Daughter of a miner. And her ways were free. It seemed to me. Sunshine walked beside her.."

XOXO.

Hate this part.

2009-12-11T01:00:00.005+08:00

Watched New Moon for the second time with Dhiri, Lynn, Nasri and Priscilla. For the most part, I was bored out of my mind. Nasri and Priscilla are total NEW MOON HATERS. So I joined them in their bitching. We even tried to sneak into another theater, but failed. The best part was when Nasri, Pris and I started dancing Jai Ho at the very back of the cinema.
"You are my destiny, jai ho!"

Imma start working soon. Met the cats today. Man were they adorable. Moggi and Cinco. Both girlies. The condo they live at is really nice. Lucky kitties.

Hate it when I don't know if I'm missed as much as I miss.
Hate it when I know the way, but I'm still at loss.
Hate it when I can't hide my insecurities.
Hate it when I fail at forcing that smile. I cry too much.
Hate it when I can't write what I want in my status, cause my dad has problems with the truth.
Hate it when I can't put my thoughts into words, and end up sounding like a total psycho.
Hate it when I can't live up to my own expectations. And what I expect of myself ain't even high.
Hate it when I fail to prove that I CAN do better.
Hate it when I automatically close doors.
Hate it when I get my hopes up too high, and wind up disappointed.
Hate it when I think too much.
Hate it when I disappoint you.
Hate it when I am so freaking selfish.
Hate it when I fail to be a good person to you.
Hate it when I am immature.
Hate it when I don't know if I'm loved as much as I love.
Hate it when it's ALL ABOUT ME. Like now, see?

XOXO.

I'm such a genius OH OH OH OH OH OH.

2009-12-06T17:32:00.004+08:00

Last night, I went on a download craze. I must've downloaded 26 songs.
Sometimes, I get too hyper for anyone to catch up with.
I typed to Jessica, "You don't know how much I love pandas." and she went offline. Aww, so sad.
Well I didn't mean any harm all I wanted to do was just say HELLO.

My whole body is aching from Jai Ho and Asmaradana. I think I must've broken my toe or something because it's perpetually numb. Nasri told me that I suck at dancing. Well, too bad. He just made my self esteem a lot lower but it's the truth and at least I'm trying.

涙こぼしても、汗にまみれた笑顔のなかじゃ、誰も気づいてはくれない．だからあなたの涙は僕ワ知らない。-Tsubomi by Kobukuro

Joy brought me to her church yesterday. It was a bizarre experience for me. But I enjoyed it. Friendly people.
Christian rock is so OUT THERE. Bizarre.
I was pretty amazed at how many people thought they were connecting with God. They seemed to be so moved by the whole thing. Crying and all that. I felt out of place, not being a believer. Everyone seemed to want to convert me.
"Don't believe in yourself, it is God who you should believe in. If you believe in Him and give thanks to Him situations will align with God and turn out for the better." That's what the Pastor told the crowd. I beg to differ.

My holiday homework remains on the shelf, collecting dust. What a pathetic pile of dead trees. I feel sorry for you guys.

I will be starting work soon. I'll get 100 bucks. And for what? Changing kitty litter and feeding my father's colleague's cat for 5 days. I'm such a genius oh oh oh oh oh oh.

My close friend from KL might be coming to Singapore soon. Hope I can see him or show him around or something. That' would be fun but he'll be busy. I'm sure. Oh well.

I am deprived of the freedom to sing. I wish someone would go cook so I can belt my voice out. Does that explain why I keep on typing song lyrics whilst chatting or blogging?

~That girl's a genius OH OH OH OH OH OH~

I Miss You.

2009-11-29T14:43:00.006+08:00

"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare. The shadow in the background of the morgue.The unsuspecting victim, of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally of you want. Where you can always find me. We'll have Halloween on Christmas and in the night we'll wish this never ends.We'll wish this never ends.
Where are you? And I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep. I cannot dream tonight. I need somebody and always, This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time. And as I stared I counted. Webs from all the spiders. Catching things and eating their insides. Like indecision to call you. And hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight. Just stop this pain tonight.
Don't waste your time I mean you're already the voice inside my head.
Don't waste your time I mean you're already the voice inside my head. "

I didn't write that. I wish I did. It's I Miss You by Blink 182.
XOXO

I'll Try.

2009-11-29T14:20:00.004+08:00

Do you have a clue what I'm writing about. It's hard to post anything that makes sense if you're gonna read. Salty diary entries. Can I forget? Can I forget? Gravity. You can't make me forget. I'm so sorry. I know I'm not making sense. But that's cause this is a blog. And YOU, dear are gonna read this.. Hate the way all this music to my ears reminds me. See I can't forget. And I can't post what I want to, cause you'll read it. Maybe I shouldn't let one person stop me from all these things in life cause the reality is that this is my blog and I should try to make sense, given the opportunity. I hope this turns you off from reading cause you're the only person who shouldn't read anything here. It's just wrong. Now I know why Lynn doesn't want someone to read her blog. Cause I gave my url to you there's that possibility that you're gonna read my posts. As I sit here stopping myself from typing to post I want to post, if you don't read my posts then I can post any post freely. So if your full name has 8 letters and your first name starts with either an E or an I depending on the situation and you LOVE GREEN TEA more then anything and if you match all of the above then get your ass off my blog.
Thanks.
Love.
XOXO

why did i do that.

Miss Lucky Bitch.

2009-11-26T00:50:00.001+08:00

I'm so sorry
if we've
hurt you.

Pornography.

2009-11-22T03:58:00.005+08:00

PORN.
Is disgusting.
It's just vulgar sex and sex is supposed to be about
MAKING LOVE.
XOXO

Crushcrushcrush.

2009-11-22T03:43:00.005+08:00

I don't want another epic fail.

Crushing is the best and worst feeling. Best because you get to soppily daydream about being with Mr. Unknown and your heart gets to go on a roller coaster ride upon seeing his face, ugly or handsome.
But crushing sucks real balls too because after you've done all your daydreaming, you have to face the harsh reality that dreams don't always come true. And after your heart has throbbed upon seeing his gorgeous smile it has to sink cause you realize that smile wasn't for you.
Then he'll get a girlfriend and it just sucks to be you cause on the one hand it's great that he's found happiness but on the other, you have to watch him share his happiness with Little Miss Lucky Bitch. And all the while your heart slowly dies and turns into dust.
XOXO

Another Pink Pen, Dying.

2009-11-11T21:45:00.004+08:00

Thank you Lynn, for trying to save my blog.

A few days ago, when I came to my own blog, I almost had a heart attack, seeing that it looked completely different. Apparently, Lynn The Whore decided to toy with my blog, choosing a new skin for it and all that. She had good intentions. But NO, I wanted my old blog back so her efforts got wasted, and The Whore was assigned to fix my blog all over again. Isn't she just the sweetest?
XOXO
Disappointment.
Is there a sliver of seriousness in you? I am no longer able to see you in the same light anymore. I hate to say this, but honestly, does the lack of commitment run in your family? I hate to say this, but you're a hypocrite. How could you. How could you. I never knew you were so easily influenced. I always thought you dared to be different. Now I'm beginning to think you're throwing your morals away to fit in with the crowd. I thought you knew how to make concrete decisions in life. YOUR life.
But somehow, you still hold a place in our hearts. You still have a place in all the hearts you broke. It's your life, and we can't tell you how to live it. I can't hate you, the goods overshadow the bads. No matter what you do, we can only try to help you, but it's your life. Just live it to the fullest.

Love.
XOXO

INVASION, BABEH!

2009-11-09T20:11:00.002+08:00

LYNN, IS HERE TO INVADE BILLIE THE BITCH'S BLOG!!!!
hahaha.
I just came here to 'help' Billie edit her blog, i kinda screwed up A LOT of times.
Endless clickings, typings, and scrollings. *coughs coughs*
HAHA.
I heard that billie likes sneakers and SHOElaces and aglets and crap, so i came across this blogskin and thought, "hey, she MIGHT actually like it!"
I'm sorry if you, don't billie, i tried my best.
I even left you links.
hee hee.
check out the "lynn" one, there's a ♥ :D:D
okay okay, i shall sign off here
:P
-Lynn

Staying Alive at Soho in Pough.

2009-11-07T17:00:00.005+08:00

Less than a week and I'm already killing this poor blog. Even if I can't post anything intellectual or interesting, here's a post in attempt to keep this blog alive and kicking ! xD

It's Saturday, and I'm hoping for some concrete plans next week. This past week every plan I made or at least tried to make unfortunately got cancelled for one reason or another, leading me to just sit on my ass and bitch and moan. (okay, maybe no moaning.*cough*) I would have tried to find something to blog about, but my internet connection here was wack so to no avail. I spent most of my time writing in my diary or reading fanfic. Twilight fanfic.

Fan fiction isn't as dumb and mindless as it sounds. It is a website where fans of novels like Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, etc., get to write their own versions based on the characters in the book, but in a totally different style. Since anyone can post, some "authors" of course write trash. Bad vocab, bad spelling, bad writing. But amongst all that, there are a few publishing-worthy awesome stories, including "Poughkeepsie."

"Poughkeepsie" is probably one of the best of the Twilight fanfic I've read. Though the author uses all the main characters from the series, she changes the setting and their roles a bit to give it a little twist. For one, there are no vampires. Edward is a homeless dude and Jasper is a priest. Emmett works in the underworld of sex, drugs and crime. Bella is a student of psychology and Alice is her troubled younger sister. Rosalie, amazingly, is a prostitute who holds a grudge against Emmett. The rest is for those who are interested to find out for themselves. And it's rated M, so if you're under the age of 16, eyes off and I never told you anything about Pough.

Hope this got my blog to come back to life a bit. Not kicking yet, but getting there.
XOXO

Bookmark it.

2009-11-02T23:47:00.004+08:00

"I take all the stuff like reading a book. If there's something annoying you, you have to make the decision to either close the book to ask the *something* to get lost and miss the page, or continue reading. People would usually continue reading, but I would ask the *something* to get lost, but put a bookmark. I'm the type who gets rid of all distractions but still remembers where i left off. "
- Friend.

I was having dinner when I received this text. It really gave me something to think about.
My main distractions are my insecurities. Should I bookmark them?
Put them away for awhile. Do some thinking. Try to change for the better. Instead of bottling everything up only to pour it out again when I think no one's looking. Doesn't that make everything worse
again?
Which pages though, did I fold doggy ears on? The bright, confident pages full of love, beauty and joy? Or the dull, tear-drop-stained pages, filled with words like ugly, fat, self-conscious and alone?
This holiday, I will ponder through all those pages I bookmarked. Remember where I left off.

Hopefully, by the end of 2009, I'll have all the pages figured out.
XOXO
~this post was short, but its getting late. more when the sun is up~

New life for this blog :)

2009-11-02T16:21:00.000+08:00

Blogging is kinda new for me. Thanks Stella for helping :)
I'm so used to writing in diaries. I hope I can stay committed to this blog. Gambarimasu. Don't die again.

Currently am at Lala's house. She's helping me rescue this damn thing.
I keep on looking at her asking : "Now what?" then she's like : "hahaha I dunno" She's laughing at everything man.. Weird freak. Yeah.

It was hard to choose a skin for this. I'm still not yet satisfied with my choice. Its cute, yea, but not exactly ME. ARGH Stella your keyboard is so annoying! Sigh.

Planning to put some music here. Give us some life. Not sure if that'll work though. Haha.

Stella and I are looking at our noses. Or at least, trying. Stella also wants to change her blogskin. Okay. I know I'm freakishly random here but its my first post so cut me some slack yea?